I have had one long-term relationship(18+ years) and several shorter relationships with men and one thing I learned is that I would rather not be in any relationship then be in another bad(abusive) relationship. Be it the man abusing me or my abusing myself by not being in a good relationship(only for sex or in a needy one). I want to be strong enough to assert myself to ask and expect to get my way at least half the time, and be treated like a partner in the relationship, not a possession or someone who is not bringing as much to the relationship as the other partner(even if I may not make as much money as he does). I want to have my opinion count and be respected for my views on the world.

I, also think that my ex. was not necessarily the "bad" guy in the relationship(even if he screwed around on me), we had just out grown each other in some ways and were headed in different directions from each other. I have come to realize that I did not like myself very much, much less love myself, and I believe that if you do not love yourself, it is close to being impossible to truly give another person the very best of yourself(love). As well, I think that he was no longer the right person for me. He had helped me learn as many of the life lessons that he could and we were not bringing out the best in each other, instead we were both taking each other for granted. This is never a good thing in any kind of relationship.

While I realize that part of why I am not in another intimate relationship is my fear of rejection, another part is that I needed time to work on me. I still do not always treat myself well(I eat way more junk food then I should), I think I am getting better at it a little at a time. One thing I believe I need to work on before I get into another relationship is being a good friend. I know I can be very unkind to my friends at times and even though I do not mean to be like this I still find myself doing so. I think in the best intimate relationships the two people are also friends(sometimes even each others best friends).

I think one mistake I made in all my past intimate relationships is getting intimate for all the wrong reasons, especially my long-term relationship. I think to many of us women give into an assumed or not, pressure to put out so the guy will like us and call us the next day. I know in the relationship with my ex., I did this, and years later he admitted to me that he probably would not have called me the next day if I had not put out. The next time I am in a relationship with a man it will be for the right reasons not because I gave into pressure assumed or otherwise. I deserve better then to be treated like that by anyone who wants to be that close to me.

Anyways, that is my thoughts on women and men relationships and my experiences.